Random Jokes

[jeffreyewe]

It's hell to be old!
Sunday, 20 December 2009 11:32 OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open

 

[selvahraje46]

DOC SAID TO STUDENTS ' INSERT YOUR FINGER INTO THE DOG'S ARSE '

First year students of MBBS were attending their first Anatomy class. They all
gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog.
The Professor began the class by telling about the two important qualities of a
Doctor. The first he said, 'NEVER BE DISGUSTED AT ANYTHING ABOUT THE BODY'. To
prove his point he inserted his finger into the dog's arse and on drawing back
tasted it with his mouth. Then he told them to do the same.

The students hesitated at first for several minutes but eventually everyone
inserted their fingers in the dog's arse and then tasted it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said 'The most
important next quality is OBSERVATION. I inserted my middle finger in but tasted
with my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Moral:
Life is tough but it's a lot tougher when you are not paying attention.

 

[jeffreyewe]

IN MALAYSIA... there are some brand names
that Hokkien people don't really like...

Q: What kind of bread they'll never buy and eat?
A: Boleh dimakan begitu saja... oh... kan-ni-nia... (Gardenia)

Q: Hokkien girls never buy which make-up brand?
A: Kan-nia-bu (Kanebo)

Q: Which brand clothing the Hokkien businessmen never wear?
A: Boh-sing-li (Bossini) means 'No Business'...

 

[jeffreyewe]

The vital question!!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour
operation.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,holds his penis in
one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely! ARE. MY.TEST.RESULTS.BACK"

 

[jeffreyewe]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.


"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink p enis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."


After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[jeffreyewe]

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. 'My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers is loaded.'

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot. Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.

'To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob.'

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, 'But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved.'

The African smiles broadly.

'One of the six is a cannibal.'

 

[jeffreyewe]

A professor at a university was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience,he asks,How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you thake this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied, "Ohhhh! From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"

 

[selvahraje46]

This one is send by my dad..really funny..

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a
mask over our eyes.. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then
we made passionate love all nightlong.



The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.





Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,





"What's for dinner, Batman?"

 

[blackrobe]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,
"Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replies the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlies room and goes across the hall into Bobs room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago.

 

[blackrobe]

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his Penis are broken down and there's nothing he can Do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him They take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never Having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts Feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, Rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, And disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a Few moments, and then gets a sly look On her face.
She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

 

[dzuljazz2001]

The Marine

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished" :biggrin:

 

[VKS]

Blonde Joke

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other
kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides
to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the fucking' goal keeper"

 

[astroboy]

Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL1, I want you to strip naked.
When I sayBELL2, I want you to jump in bed.
And when I sayBELL3. We are going to make love all night.

' The next night he came home from work and yelled,
'BELL1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell isBELL4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

[funfer_fahrer]

T he 2009 Women Driver Awards:

10th Place Goes to:

9th Place Goes To:

8th Place Goes To:

7th Place Goes To:

6th Place Goes To:

5th Place Goes To:

4th Place Goes To:

The BRONZE Medal Winner:

The SILVER Medal Winner:

YES - her helmet is ............
.............................. worn backwards
. and finally,
here is our 2009 Women Drivers Awards
*** GOLD Medal Winner ***

WOW! How the...Oh never mind. CONGRATULATIONS!
This concludes the 2009 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.

 

[VKS]

Why malaysian ladies must learn how to speak english

One day, an Ang Moh (Westerner) from USA arrived at KLIA Airport.
After he checked out from the customs,
he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance.
When he was about to enter the toilet,
the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ('sey kok').
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA
they have to 'see the cock' before entering the toilet?
So he said 'no' but the lady insisted.
Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.

The lady said 'No! No! Duit, Duit!' (money in Malay),
but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said 'Do it! Do it!'
So he asked, 'Now? Here?'
The lady replied 'Yes, yes!' because she doesn't quite understand English.

The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him,
so he stripped the lady and made love to her.
The lady started screaming and shouted, 'SAKIT! SAKIT!' (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was 'SUCK IT! SUCK IT!'

He said 'OK! I will suck it for you' and took both breasts and suck them.
The lady again screamed 'Oh, TUHAN!' (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay).
The Ang Moh misunderstood again.. 'Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'll be a bit gentler,' the Ang Moh replied..

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, 'TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!'
The Ang Moh replied, 'Not too long, just 6 inches only.'

 

[funfer_fahrer]

> Wife: 'What are you doing?'
> Husband: 'Nothing'.
> Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate
> for an hour.'
> Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
> -------------------------------
>
> Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
> Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
> Wife: 'Yes or no'.
> _____________
>
> Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
> Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your
> picture and the problem disappears.'
> Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
> Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
> there be greater than this one?'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
> to give up my seat to a lady.'
> Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
> Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
> ________________________________
>
> A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
> father hadn't left me a fortune?'
> 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
> LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face
> or my sexy body?'
> He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of
> humour!'
>
> Husbands are husbands
>
> A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
> head with a frying pan.
> 'What was that for?' the man asked.
> The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
> it that I found in your pants pocket'.
> The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
> of the horse I bet on'.
> The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
>
> 3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
> with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
> Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
> Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '

 

[funfer_fahrer]

Children Writing About The Ocean.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend
any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

 

[funfer_fahrer]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: ! 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

 

[funfer_fahrer]

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what
they are used for.
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol'
'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep.'
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'
'Johnny, what is it used for?'
'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'
'Who told you this?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe
that little shit will get harder.'

 

[funfer_fahrer]

If necessity is the mother of invention, then…
Frustration is the father of masturbation!
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Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger !
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Life without Friends is like Boobs without Nipples... POINTLESS !
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The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell the other: UNITED we are saved, Divided we are Fucked.
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Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes.
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Fuck a girl & she'll love you... Love a girl & she'll fuck you!
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All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.
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The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet
she's got you by the balls.