Random Jokes
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Apiz
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Antara kancil , evo dan ferrari
Pada suatu malam yang hening dan sunyi di lebuhraya
utara selatan kelihatan sebuah kancil putih tersadai di sebelah lane
kerosakan. Ada orang tua yang berdiri disebelahnya,pemilik kancil tu
sedang berjalan kehulu kehilir cuba menahan kereta supaya membantu.tidak
ada sebuah kereta pun berhenti.tiba-tiba datangla sebuah kereta evo
7 berhenti di sebelah kancil tadi.
"Ada apa nie pakcik,kereta rosak ke?"tanya pemuda
berusia dalam lingkungan 20an."a'ha rosak "jawap pakcik tu simple
aje....
"Ok,cam nie,saya ada tali nanti saya ikat kat kereta
saya dan saya tarik kereta pakcik sampai tol"mamat nie bagi idea.
"worrait gak tu...", tapi....nanti kalau pakcik rasa awak bawak laju
pakcik akan hon dan bagi high beam"
"Ok pakcik"..mamat nie pun ikatlah tali kat kereta
kancil didepan dan hujungnya diikat dibelakang bumper evonye.
dia pun jalanla..dengan slow dan berhati-hati. Dalam lima
kilometer mamat nie laju le sikit,apalagi pakcik tu pun hon dan bagi
high beam la kat mamat tu.Mamat tu pun slowkan balik..
Tiba-tiba ada sebuah ferrari datang dari belakang dan
rev enjin kat mamat evo7.apa lagi,jiwa muda patang dicabar,
dia pun tekan la minyak rapat nak kejar ferrari nie...lupa la pulak dia
dengan kancil org tua yg diikat kat belakang kereta dia.
Orang tua tu punya la hangin satu badan,dia pun hon dan bagi hi beam
bagai nak rak.Mamat evo7 tu dah tak sedar dah angin punya pasal.
Kebetulan pilak polis ada buat speed trap kat
bawah jambatan.
Vrooommm......bedesup peginye... ini dah lebih speed limit nie...kate polis nie..cecah
250kmj memasing nie... Dia pun contact la kengkawan dia kat depan supaya saman
kereta-kereta yg laju nie...
"Over..over,ada tiga buah kenderaan memandu melebihi had laju,sebuah
ferrari,sebuah evo7 dan sebuah lagi kalau aku cakap korang mesti tak
percaye punye......... sebuah kancil putih tengah cucuk angin evo7 tu
dan bagi hon dan hi beam nak potong!!!
Pada suatu malam yang hening dan sunyi di lebuhraya
utara selatan kelihatan sebuah kancil putih tersadai di sebelah lane
kerosakan. Ada orang tua yang berdiri disebelahnya,pemilik kancil tu
sedang berjalan kehulu kehilir cuba menahan kereta supaya membantu.tidak
ada sebuah kereta pun berhenti.tiba-tiba datangla sebuah kereta evo
7 berhenti di sebelah kancil tadi.
"Ada apa nie pakcik,kereta rosak ke?"tanya pemuda
berusia dalam lingkungan 20an."a'ha rosak "jawap pakcik tu simple
aje....
"Ok,cam nie,saya ada tali nanti saya ikat kat kereta
saya dan saya tarik kereta pakcik sampai tol"mamat nie bagi idea.
"worrait gak tu...", tapi....nanti kalau pakcik rasa awak bawak laju
pakcik akan hon dan bagi high beam"
"Ok pakcik"..mamat nie pun ikatlah tali kat kereta
kancil didepan dan hujungnya diikat dibelakang bumper evonye.
dia pun jalanla..dengan slow dan berhati-hati. Dalam lima
kilometer mamat nie laju le sikit,apalagi pakcik tu pun hon dan bagi
high beam la kat mamat tu.Mamat tu pun slowkan balik..
Tiba-tiba ada sebuah ferrari datang dari belakang dan
rev enjin kat mamat evo7.apa lagi,jiwa muda patang dicabar,
dia pun tekan la minyak rapat nak kejar ferrari nie...lupa la pulak dia
dengan kancil org tua yg diikat kat belakang kereta dia.
Orang tua tu punya la hangin satu badan,dia pun hon dan bagi hi beam
bagai nak rak.Mamat evo7 tu dah tak sedar dah angin punya pasal.
Kebetulan pilak polis ada buat speed trap kat
bawah jambatan.
Vrooommm......bedesup peginye... ini dah lebih speed limit nie...kate polis nie..cecah
250kmj memasing nie... Dia pun contact la kengkawan dia kat depan supaya saman
kereta-kereta yg laju nie...
"Over..over,ada tiga buah kenderaan memandu melebihi had laju,sebuah
ferrari,sebuah evo7 dan sebuah lagi kalau aku cakap korang mesti tak
percaye punye......... sebuah kancil putih tengah cucuk angin evo7 tu
dan bagi hon dan hi beam nak potong!!!
JFT63
Well-Known Member
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- Aug 26, 2010
- Messages
- 4,621
- Points
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...............................Learning a new custom.........
A Chinaman decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,
the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new
guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he
sees the Chinaman running around his frontyard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these
'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to
knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet
anotherday.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next
door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way,
...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the
bull's butt.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and
says,
'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today
you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit
on you.'
The Chinaman is very taken aback and says, 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs.'
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian
customs.'
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinaman,
'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to.....
chase chicks,
..... get piss drunk,
and .... listen to bull-shit.'
no offense guys......
A Chinaman decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,
the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new
guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he
sees the Chinaman running around his frontyard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these
'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to
knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet
anotherday.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next
door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way,
...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the
bull's butt.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and
says,
'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today
you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit
on you.'
The Chinaman is very taken aback and says, 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs.'
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian
customs.'
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinaman,
'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to.....
chase chicks,
..... get piss drunk,
and .... listen to bull-shit.'
no offense guys......
selvahraje46
Club Guest
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2006
- Messages
- 567
- Points
- 16
To my friends who enjoy a glass of beer or wine..And those who don't can have a laugh.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
Very wise man, this Ben guy.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E.Coli) bacteria ? found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of of human and animal shit.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = shit, ...........Beer and wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
Very wise man, this Ben guy.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E.Coli) bacteria ? found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of of human and animal shit.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = shit, ...........Beer and wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Apiz
Club Guest
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- Jan 15, 2011
- Messages
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A blonde is driving in her brand new BMW.
She cuts off a truck driver and he gets really pissed off.
He harrasses her until she pulls over.
He yells at her to get out of her car so she does.
He say stand here and he draws a circle around her with chalk.
He says, " You better not get out of the circle or else...."
He goes back to his car and gets a knife and slashes her tires.
She starts laughing really loud.
The trucker gets really pissed off so he goes to get a bat and bangs in her doors.
She laughs even harder.
He gets reallllllly pissed off so he gets a crow bar and smashes her windows.
She is ready to pee her pants.
So he walks over to her and asks her what the hell is so funny and she says,
"Everytime you went back to your car i stepped out of the circle!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
She cuts off a truck driver and he gets really pissed off.
He harrasses her until she pulls over.
He yells at her to get out of her car so she does.
He say stand here and he draws a circle around her with chalk.
He says, " You better not get out of the circle or else...."
He goes back to his car and gets a knife and slashes her tires.
She starts laughing really loud.
The trucker gets really pissed off so he goes to get a bat and bangs in her doors.
She laughs even harder.
He gets reallllllly pissed off so he gets a crow bar and smashes her windows.
She is ready to pee her pants.
So he walks over to her and asks her what the hell is so funny and she says,
"Everytime you went back to your car i stepped out of the circle!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
VKS
Club Guest
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- Oct 24, 2007
- Messages
- 667
- Points
- 16
Farmer Jake's Nagging Wife.
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable..
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate, and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down..
But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked:
Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?
“Well,” Jake replied: “the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty. So I agreed by nodding my head up and down.”.
The men all asked, "'Is that mule for sale!?'"
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable..
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate, and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down..
But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked:
Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?
“Well,” Jake replied: “the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty. So I agreed by nodding my head up and down.”.
The men all asked, "'Is that mule for sale!?'"
infinityKL
Club Guest
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- Feb 10, 2007
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- 3,562
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- 0
Question to Confucius
Woman asks, "If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a
man sleeps with 10 women, everyone calls him a real man. How come?"
Confucius replies, "It's very simple. When one lock can be opened by 3
different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 10 different
locks, we call it a Master Key . . . !"
Woman asks, "If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a
man sleeps with 10 women, everyone calls him a real man. How come?"
Confucius replies, "It's very simple. When one lock can be opened by 3
different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 10 different
locks, we call it a Master Key . . . !"
Apiz
Club Guest
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A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter... The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."
V-Man
Official Member
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2006
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A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.
She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.
The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."
The blonde said, "Hellooo…. I have windows!"
She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.
The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."
The blonde said, "Hellooo…. I have windows!"
VKS
Club Guest
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2007
- Messages
- 667
- Points
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WARNING: NEVER mess with old ladies. They are lethal!!
An old Lady in Court .
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
An old Lady in Court .
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
