Random Jokes

[funfer_fahrer]

Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 2 8 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

 

[funfer_fahrer]

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

 

[VKS]

A little boy asks his dad: Daddy, whats between my mom legs?

The father answers : The paradise, my son.

The kid asks again : Whats between your legs, daddy ?

The father replies : The key to the paradise .

The son quickly : Daddy, an advice, change the lock, our neighbor has a copy .

 

[VKS]

> A guy is walking down the street and sees
> Little Johnny
> smoking a cigarette.
>
> He says, "Hey kid! You're too young to smoke."
> Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.
>
>
> The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"
> Little Johnny says, "Six."
>
> Stunned, the man says, "Six!?
> When did you start smoking?"
>
> Johnny replies,
> "Right after the first time I had sex."
>
> "Right after the first time you had sex?
> When was that?"
>
>
> Little Johnny answers,
> "I don't remember.
> I was drunk"

 

[VKS]

Adios. ..Cuba

A group of Cubans deserted their island. In the middle of their arduous journey to Miami, the oldest Cuban aboard suffers a major heart attack and asks for a flag of his country, to bid goodbye to his dearest Cuba. The other Cubans search desperately in their boat to find even anything that will resemble a flag of their country to fulfill the old man's last request. A T-shirt, a handkerchief, etc.

Exhausted and almost ready to give up all hopes, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search and shyly tells them of her tattoo of the Cuban flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks.

The leader of their journey persuades the girl to show it to the dying old man, and that she will be doing him a great favor. The young girl slowly pulls down her shorts and lowers her underwear, showing the Cuban flag in a beautifully shaped tanned buttock.

She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face. The old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion saying, "My dear Cuba, I bid goodbye to you with great sadness, my beautiful land, my flag, my Havana. I will miss you."

After going passionately for almost 15 minutes, he says to the girl, "Now chica, turn around, por favor, I want to kiss Fidel goodbye!"

 

[Maniac]

Here are some new additions to reignite this great thread!
_______________________________________________________________________________________

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

 

[Maniac]

I don't know why people send me these...! In any case, here's some pre-weekend laughs. Happy valentine's on Mon!
__________________________________________________________________________

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

 

[jeffreyewe]

THE MOST NOTABLE QUOTE OF THE YEAR COMES FROM THE WINNER OF THE NOBEL PRIZE IN MEDICINE (BRAZILIAN ONCOLOGIST Drauzio Varella)













"In today's world, five times more money is being spent on medicines for male virility and silicone for female breast implants than for research on Alzheimer's. In a few years we'll have women with big tits and men with hard penises, but none of them will remember what they are for."

 

[jeffreyewe]

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.


After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.



She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.



'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.


They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.



When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.



She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'


​

 

[jeffreyewe]

This is brilliant !!!!!!! *********

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the
level you are
travelling on), and on
your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you .....
In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car
and you cannot
overtake it ...
Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also
travelling at the same
speed as you ...
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.






*Get off the merry-go-round, you're p!ssed.*

 

[jeffreyewe]

UK CLASSIFIED ADS​

You have to love British humor!


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:





FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.


8 years old.


Hateful little bastard.


Bites!





FREE PUPPIES.


1/2 Cocker Spaniel,


1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.





FREE PUPPIES.


Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.


Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.





COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.


Also 1 gay bull for sale.





JOINING NUDIST COLONY !


Must sell washer and dryer £100.





WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .


Worn once by mistake.


Call Stephanie.





**** And the WINNER is... ****





FOR SALE BY OWNER.


Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.


Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.


No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.





Statement of the Century


Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -


"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

 

[selvahraje46]

my Dad emailed me this..

Why I like Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to
retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to
store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people
he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow
and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck,
give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

 

[selvahraje46]

There are three kinds of men.......

The ASIAN
Has one Wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his wife the most.

The AMERICAN
Has one wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his girlfriend the most.


THE ARAB
Has 4 Wives
Has 4 Girlfriends
But he loves his housemaid the most.

 

[selvahraje46]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[VKS]

E-Bay Ripoff


Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass ...

 

[selvahraje46]

NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) A Car
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans...
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of
answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the
too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us!
---------------------
This one is equally unbelievable. (No comments needed!)

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.
The girl behind he counter said would you like some fries with that?

One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

-------------------------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'.....
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

 

[bimmerholic]

Thanks for sharing selvahraj.....it's very original...at least to me :top:

 

[selvahraje46]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

 

[shiva73]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

This bloody two jokes made my day man .. good one bro ... good pick

 

[selvahraje46]

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection.
One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantlybothered his neighbor until he sold it to him. A month later, thehorse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

- Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day
and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approachedthe horse and said:

- Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig cameback and said:

- Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go!
One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:
- Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread
and infect the other horses.

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:
- Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Comeon! Get up! Get up!
That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two,three... Good, good. Now faster, come on....
Fantastic! Run, run more!Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:

- It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!

Points for reflection: this often happens in the workplace. Nobody truly knows which employee actually deserves the merit of success, orwho's actually contributing the necessary support to make things
happen.

LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT RECOGNITION IS A SKILL!
If anyone ever tells you that your work is unprofessional, remember: amateurs built the Ark and professionals built the Titanic.