Random Jokes
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JFT63
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POSH FART
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
- 4,548
- Points
- 63
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ahmed : I want 2 b a pilot.
James : I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Asif : I want 2 help Deepa .
===========================================================================================
Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
===========================================================================================
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
=============================================================
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".
=============================================================
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
=============================================================
The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ahmed : I want 2 b a pilot.
James : I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Asif : I want 2 help Deepa .
===========================================================================================
Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
===========================================================================================
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
=============================================================
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".
=============================================================
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
=============================================================
The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
- 4,548
- Points
- 63
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
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- Messages
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Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
- 4,548
- Points
- 63
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Nick's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Nick's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Nick sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Hey Nick, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
.
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
"I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
"She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
"And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
"So here I am."
Two days before the group is to leave, Nick's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Nick's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Nick sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Hey Nick, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
.
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
"I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
"She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
"And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
"So here I am."
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
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- Points
- 63
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, an You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office."
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, an You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office."
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
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- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
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- Points
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Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
- 4,548
- Points
- 63
>Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
>and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
>Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so
>badly that they stopped in a cemetery. One of them had nothing to
>wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her
>friend, however, was wearing rather expensive new panties and didn't want
>to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that
>had
>a wreath and a ribbon on it so she proceeded to wipe with that. After
>the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home
>
>The next day one of the women's husbands was so concerned that his
>normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over so he phoned
>the other husband and said, "These girl's nights out have got to stop! I'm
>starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties on last
>night!!"
>
>"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card
>stuck to her butt that said.........
>
>"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION...
>WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
>and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
>Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so
>badly that they stopped in a cemetery. One of them had nothing to
>wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her
>friend, however, was wearing rather expensive new panties and didn't want
>to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that
>had
>a wreath and a ribbon on it so she proceeded to wipe with that. After
>the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home
>
>The next day one of the women's husbands was so concerned that his
>normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over so he phoned
>the other husband and said, "These girl's nights out have got to stop! I'm
>starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties on last
>night!!"
>
>"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card
>stuck to her butt that said.........
>
>"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION...
>WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
- 4,548
- Points
- 63
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and
insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she
had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
> "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that
>my testicles are not square."
>
> "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of
>money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
>tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the
>president of the Bank confidently.
>
>
> That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
>and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
>turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until
>he was
>
> positive that no one could consider his testicles as square
>and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
>
> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
>arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the
>$25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
>
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and
insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she
had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
> "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that
>my testicles are not square."
>
> "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of
>money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
>tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the
>president of the Bank confidently.
>
>
> That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
>and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
>turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until
>he was
>
> positive that no one could consider his testicles as square
>and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
>
> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
>arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the
>$25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
>
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
jeffreyewe
Founding Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
- 4,548
- Points
- 63
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took
a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ... Toyota !! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan !
Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan !
Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made
in Japan ! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very
fast!.... Made in Japan !
a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ... Toyota !! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan !
Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan !
Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made
in Japan ! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very
fast!.... Made in Japan !
Italian guest
Dear Signore Dirrettore
Now I am tella you a strory how I was treated at your hotella.
I am comma from Roma as tourist to New York
and stay as younga christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed.
How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?
So I calla down to receptione and tella: 'I wanna shit!'
They tella me: 'Go to toilet'.
I say 'no, no. I wanna shit in my bed.'
They say: 'You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
I go down for breackfast into ristorante, I order bacon and eggs
and two pissis of toast.
I getta only one piss of toast.
I tella waitress, and pointa of toast: 'I wanna piss'.
She tella me 'go to toilet'.
I say: 'No, no. I wanna piss on my plate!'.
She then say to me: 'You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
Later I go for dinner in your ristorante.
Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock.
I tella waitress: 'I wanna fock!'
and she tella me: 'Sure everybody wanna fock!'
I tella her: 'no no. You dont understand me. I wanna fock on the table!'
She tella me: 'So you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table?
Get your ass outa here!'
So I go to receptione and ask for bill.
I no wanna stay in this hotella no more.
When I heve paid the billa, the portier sy to me:
'Thank you and peace on you'.
I say: 'Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch! I go back to Italy !
I never comma saty at your hotella,' your sonnawabitch!
SINCERELY
Border problems in Italy
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at
the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and
says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile,"
the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at
the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian
customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have
five people in your car and you are therefore
breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your
supervisor over -- I want to speak to someone with
more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come.
He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
Little rabbit
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this?
Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off
running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses
them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to
beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this?
He was merely trying to help us all!
"The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the
forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Report of the Chinese private detective Chen Lee
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
Cultural Diversity
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and
have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything
they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship
with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a
damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can
get her nails done and go shopping.
The New European Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known
as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal
of double letters that have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z"
and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand etsh oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru ..
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.
Irish joke
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even
a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
mum thru? "
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."
"Ye what ??? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling
new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl, I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug"
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked:
"What was that all about?"
She explained:
"The egg timer's broken."
New Car for 2011
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it
the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male car thief wont be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.
Dear Signore Dirrettore
Now I am tella you a strory how I was treated at your hotella.
I am comma from Roma as tourist to New York
and stay as younga christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed.
How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?
So I calla down to receptione and tella: 'I wanna shit!'
They tella me: 'Go to toilet'.
I say 'no, no. I wanna shit in my bed.'
They say: 'You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
I go down for breackfast into ristorante, I order bacon and eggs
and two pissis of toast.
I getta only one piss of toast.
I tella waitress, and pointa of toast: 'I wanna piss'.
She tella me 'go to toilet'.
I say: 'No, no. I wanna piss on my plate!'.
She then say to me: 'You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
Later I go for dinner in your ristorante.
Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock.
I tella waitress: 'I wanna fock!'
and she tella me: 'Sure everybody wanna fock!'
I tella her: 'no no. You dont understand me. I wanna fock on the table!'
She tella me: 'So you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table?
Get your ass outa here!'
So I go to receptione and ask for bill.
I no wanna stay in this hotella no more.
When I heve paid the billa, the portier sy to me:
'Thank you and peace on you'.
I say: 'Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch! I go back to Italy !
I never comma saty at your hotella,' your sonnawabitch!
SINCERELY
Border problems in Italy
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at
the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and
says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile,"
the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at
the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian
customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have
five people in your car and you are therefore
breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your
supervisor over -- I want to speak to someone with
more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come.
He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
Little rabbit
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this?
Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off
running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses
them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to
beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this?
He was merely trying to help us all!
"The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the
forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Report of the Chinese private detective Chen Lee
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
Cultural Diversity
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and
have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything
they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship
with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a
damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can
get her nails done and go shopping.
The New European Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known
as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal
of double letters that have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z"
and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand etsh oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru ..
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.
Irish joke
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even
a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
mum thru? "
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."
"Ye what ??? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling
new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl, I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug"
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked:
"What was that all about?"
She explained:
"The egg timer's broken."
New Car for 2011
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it
the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male car thief wont be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.
