Random Jokes

[Apiz]

bahhahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaha

 

[VKS]

Men, gorilla and sex

Excuses, Excuses!!!


A married couple at the Zoo walk past the gorilla enclosure.


Says the woman: "Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behaviour?"

"Look, see that no one is looking and I'll expose one of my breasts to it and just watch how horny it gets, just as you men do".


Mary then exposes one of her breasts and, sure enough, the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.



"See" says the woman, "Now I know why you react the way you do, men can't control their animal instincts, just as gorillas can't".


Says Mark: "Now expose both breasts and let's see what happens".


The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets now even more excited and is now desperately trying to escape the enclosure.


Says Mark: "This is incredible, now pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let's see what happens!!!"


The woman pull her skirt up turns around with her bum to the gorilla which by now, extremely aroused, bends the bars apart and breaks free of the cage, grabs the woman and starts tearing her clothes off....


The woman yells: "Mark, what do I do now? Please, help me!!!"


Mark replies: "Well, why don't you give him one of those excuses that you usually give me:


· That you don't feel like it;


· That you have a headache;


· That you're tired;


· That your throat is aching;


· That I must understand you as a woman;


· That you are depressed;


· That it's one of 'those' days;


· That you are having a very busy week;


· That all you need is just to cuddle;


· That you're all tense;


· That you have to wake up very early tomorrow;


· That you woke up very early today;


· That you walked for so long and your feet are aching;


· That caresses and hugs is all that you want today;


· That you're so tense that all you want is a good massage to make you relax;


· That you feel like watching TV;


· That you don't wanna miss the soaps;


· That you've just come from the hair salon and therefore you can't do it and ruin your hair............


Go on..... Explain all that to the gorilla and if he understands, then I agree that we men are just like animals when it comes to sex!!!"

 

[Apiz]

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."

another one

Guess what?? Chicken Butt

 

[VKS]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)


'Ralph, for the FIFTH dam time, it's CHICKEN!!!!'

 

[Apiz]

bahahhahahhahahahhha good one!

 

[VKS]

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull...


MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these frigging candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

 

[VKS]

:biggrin:

CHICKEN, HORSE AND BMW

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
*
*
*
*
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. :rock:

 

[infinityKL]

old one .....


A letter from a car thief
2010-05-10 11:31


Dear Datuk,

I really did not know that it was your car.

Please believe me that I really did not realise that it was a police chief's official car.

However, why was it my target among so many cards in Selangor? Moreover, it was only an ordinary Proton.

Please do not blame me. Even though it was an inadvertence, there was a reason behind it.

Our industry has been rapidly grew in recent years and there are markets for new, old, domestic, imported, luxury and ordinary cars.

Even if it is just an old Proton, some of its parts can still be sold for money.

That was also why your car was targeted that day.

Please do not blame the poor anti-theft system, and do not be angry with the additional car security system. In fact, these devices are just decorations for car thieves in Malaysia. They are not even a challenge for us.

Even for expensive security equipment, which is usually installed in luxury cars with satellite tracking system that can stop engine operation, we can still break it within the first 10 minutes, drive it onto a container another 10 minutes later, send it to Port Klang after another 20 minutes and it takes another 10 minutes to ship it to foreign country.

As for your car, it required only 2 minutes.

The business is too good while the crime detection rate...I am sorry, but I think we do not need to mention more about it.

In terms of the rate of return, it is indeed a non-risky business with extraordinarily high returns that does not require any capital at all. It is certainly the most promising industry in Malaysia with the largest development space.

Even during the national economic doldrums, it can still contribute to the country's economic growth.

For example, the second-hand spare parts market, from engines to cup holders, is largely relying on our supply.

Also, we can earn a lot of foreign exchange if we sell the cars to foreign countries.

The high stolen car rate and low crime detection rate also led to the development of the insurance industry. We should also be credited for the increase of premiums.

Datuk, if you do not want your car to be stolen again next time, the only way is to write a note stating your identity and display it on your dashboard. We would be very delighted to give you our full cooperation.

Also, I saw that police forensic officers were trying to search for clues in the car. It was a tough work for them for sure.

I forgot to leave another note to tell you that I had actually asked someone to thoroughly wash your car for a few times.

If fingerprints are found, you may get the samples from the Immigration.
They belong to a Bangladesh.

I had removed the Global Positioning System (GPS) in your car to avoid leaving any record. Initially, I was planning to install a more advanced system for you, but as I was in a bit of rush this time, so maybe next time.

If you suddenly find a new navigation system in your car one day, please take it as a gift from me. You do not have to know when your car is being touched again and I promise, I will not cause any damage to the lock of the door any more next time.

As for the command baton, just give it to me as a souvenir. I like it very much as every night before going to bed, I can imagine myself waving the baton and leading the Royal Malaysian Police to work hard.

P/S: I think it is time for you to change another car!


Yours sincerely,
Car thief

 

[Drer]

First Night...


It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever ....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
At milking a cow...








NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS ....... GET BACK TO WORK ......... :vroam:


Cheers.

 

[Drer]

Why Malaysian Government insists on using English...

Found this in my inbox...

Why Malaysian Government insists on using English for math and science?
This is because the whole world uses the language as an information and/or technology language. How dangerous it will be if we try to use Bahasa, especially in school.
See example below.

Hardware = barang keras

Software = barang lembut

Joystick = batang gembira

Plug and play = cucuk dan main

Port = lubang

Server = pelayan

Client = pelanggan


Try to translate this:

ENGLISH :
That server gives a plug and play service to the clients using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client.

Now in BAHASA:
Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira itu dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan.

Now You Know ....... why ....

 

[Iylia H]

Men are the best cooks. Because with 2 eggs, one sausage , and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months.

 

[Iylia H]

WHY MALAYSIAN LADIES MUST KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

One day, an Ang Moh (Westerner) from USAarrived at KLIAAirport.
After he checked out from the customs,
he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance.
When he was about to enter the toilet,
the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ('sey kok').
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA
they have to 'see the cock' before entering the toilet?
So he said 'no' but the lady insisted.
Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.

The lady said 'No! No! Duit, Duit!' (money in Malay),
but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said 'Do it! Do it!'
So he asked, 'Now? Here?'
The lady replied 'Yes, yes!' because she doesn't quite understand
English.

The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him,
so he stripped the lady and made love to her.
The lady started screaming and shouted, 'SAKIT! SAKIT!' (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was 'SUCK IT! SUCK IT!'

He said 'OK! I will suck it for you' and took both breasts and suck them.
The lady again screamed 'Oh, TUHAN!' (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay).
The Ang Moh misunderstood again. 'Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit,' the Ang Moh replied.

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, 'TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!'
The Ang Moh replied, 'Not too long, just 6 inches only.'

 

[JFT63]

hahaha..:24::24:

 

[Drer]

Making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided
to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the
proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye
and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

''Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the ! results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get
to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand for very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.....

 

[Drer]

Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

 

[Drer]

5 - 3 - 5

Lieutenant John's son who had mild mental subnormality still faced difficulty to cope with normal toilet training even when he was eleven. Eventually Lieutenant John thought of an idea, ie to introduce some military style of training to resolve this issue. He gave step-by-step commands for the son to follow to complete the micturition sequence correctly, in the following manner:
"One" : Unzip the pant
"Two" : Withdraw the penis from the pant
"Three" : Retract the foreskin
"Four" : Pass urine
"Five" : Push back the foreskin
"Six" : Put the penis back into the pant
"Seven" : Zip up the pant

After some initial struggle his son seemed to be able to follow the commands fairly well, and finally he was able to give himself the commands in the correct sequence to complete the act. Lieutenant John since then had to do only occasional random checks to ensure that the action was done well. One day, he was puzzled why the son was in the toilet for an unusually long time, that he went over to check him out. He overheard 5 -3 - 5 - 3 - 5 - 3 - 5 - 3 - 5 ...... so he asked: "Son, what's the matter? Have you forgotten the correct sequence?"

His son replied: "No lar .... Just because 5 - 3 - 5 - 3 very syiok one!" :43:

 

[datsunnismo]

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means 'Without Information Fighting Every time '!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad,
'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad sa ys , 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ...'

 

[datsunnismo]

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Someone gave me a Rm100 note yesterday. I went to the KL Tower Revolving Restaurant and ordered wine & dinner worth Rm 1,000, and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rm 100 note to the police fellow, and he set me free. Isn't that a wonderful example of financial management?!!!

 

[unstopables_7]

come on guys..keep on posting..love this thread actually..

 

[fabianyee]

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Someone gave me a Rm100 note yesterday. I went to the KL Tower Revolving Restaurant and ordered wine & dinner worth Rm 1,000, and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rm 100 note to the police fellow, and he set me free. Isn't that a wonderful example of financial management?!!!

Don't u guys think this is how some businesses are being run.. RM2 dollar company managing multi-million dollar projects. Not to mentioned public projects funded by our tax money. In the end, projects abandoned but money paid in full... See the similarities?