Random Jokes

[infinityKL]

The Best Engine



A notable gynaecologist once said,


"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fcuking temperamental."

 

[VKS]

Imagine if its a BMW vagina...how temperamental will it be..har har har...nice one bro:top:

 

[VKS]

Two old friends are just about to tee off on the local course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'May I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'You're welcome,' they said. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend,
'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.Oh my God - he's naked, too!'
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said his new friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think I can save you a grand here!'

 

[infinityKL]

NEVER MESS WT WOMEN...

A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might
expect, his parents freak out a little bit.

"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.

"I bought it today," the boy calmly
replies

"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And
look, here's the title to it!"


This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck
sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.

"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't
know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted
to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother. Turning
to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going
on."

So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive
middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias.


He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a
Porsche to his son.

"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"

"Er... Yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we
can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for
such a low price?"

"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran
off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back.


He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him
the money. So I did."

 

[flash]

Oh, not to mention, not only is it temperamental, it will also "banyak makan wang".... the price for the ultimate "driving" machine.

Imagine if its a BMW vagina...how temperamental will it be..har har har...nice one bro:top:

 

[VKS]

Secret Coded Message

George Bush

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama Bin Laden is still
alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it c ontained a single line of coded
message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could
solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6 in London.
Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.

 

[king82]

good one, vks! =)

 

[climenta]

Why are the Indians reincarnated / reborn?

Mystery solved!

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep c rouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth".

As you finish reading this, a few thousand Indians have been reborn

 

[VKS]

Who said car names don't have a meaning? FUNNY...

:smokin:


BMW Brings Me Women

FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD For Only Rough Drivers

HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

KIA Kills In Accidents

OPEL Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA The One You Only Trust, Always

GOLF/GTI Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA Hanged Over, Now Driving Away

 

[infinityKL]

 

[jeffreyewe]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a
nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from
her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7" in your
pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I
have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo
in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and
a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars
in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine
back...

Tiger

 

[VKS]

The Six Affairs

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM .

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr.. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr.... Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.

 

[bimmerholic]

Jeffrey that's a F good one!!! Really original... Padan muka la to the beautiful lady that receives it. But on the other hand, she'll prolly get excited over this guy who said that...hmmmm....gotta try this on my next hit....lol!

 

[jeffreyewe]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.



Signed,
Tiger

 

[jeffreyewe]

UP or DOWN

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fcuk or drown...

 

[jeffreyewe]

A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself," Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Please speak audibly that the kids can hear your exact words guys.

 

[jeffreyewe]

Subject: These are not as I remember


Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
******************************************************
You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
If you don't understand, it is because you are too young.

 

[jeffreyewe]

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

 

[jeffreyewe]

*Three little ducks go into a bar... *

*'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. *
* 'Huey, ' was the reply. *
*
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. *
* 'Oh, that's nice,' said the bartender.
* He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' *
*The bartender turned to the third duck and said , 'So, you must be Louie?'
*'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. *
*
'My name is Puddles.' *

 

[jeffreyewe]

A white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

​

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..



On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile