Random Jokes

  • Click here to become an Official Member of BMW Club Malaysia Download Form
The Malaysian Political Oscars

The Malaysian Political Oscars!

Our political situation is like something out of a movie – so here are the awards. The envelope, please…

The Wide Angle Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, headquartered for no particular reason in Skudai, presents this year’s Malaysian Political Oscars.

The most widely watched television event in Malaysia , the Political Oscar telecast reaches over 1 billion viewers, some of whom are dead, some of whom are 130 years old, and most of whom are registered at the same address.

How does it work? Members of the academy (all Malaysian taxi drivers who despite being allegedly the worst in the world at driving taxis are remarkably good at political analysis) vote on these awards, and the results are tabulated by the auditors of some large accounting firm who would rather do this sort of thing than real accounting work, which might explain the state of the economy.

Here are the nominees and winners.

Best Supporting Actor
It is a crowded field this year, with many stellar performances from both veterans and newcomers.

The nominees include private investigator P. Balasubramaniam in Missing; Pusrawi’s Dr. Mohd Osman in Rear Window; Zaid Ibrahim in Gone in Sixty Seconds; and Raja Petra Kamaruddin in An Inconvenient Truth.

But the Best Supporting Actor Oscar goes to Penang Umno leader Ahmad Ismail for his controversial performance in Pride and Prejudice.

Despite his recent success, which led to him being cast in Under Siege and Raging Bull, Ahmad has flatly refused roles in the films Anger Management and Atonement.

Best Supporting Actress
For her critically-acclaimed performance in Minority Report, this year’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar goes to Sinchew Daily reporter Tan Hoon Cheng.

Interestingly, immediately after that film completed principal photography, Tan was the unwitting star of Catch and Release, a film that may or may not have been directed by Syed Hamid Albar, depending on which version of the studio press kit you read.

Tan spent just 18 hours on location, before quitting, citing creative differences.

Best Cinematography
For his impactful camera work in the V.K. Lingam vehicle The Conversation, the Oscar for Cinematography goes to Gwo Loh Burne.

(Although The Conversation was shot some time ago, due to his refusal to be credited for many months, Gwo Loh Burne could not be given the award earlier. When he finally came forward, this legal thriller was re-released in some markets as The Burne Identity.)

The Conversation beat out Entrapment, starring Chua Soi Lek, which also features an anonymous cinematographer.

Best Foreign-Language Film
Agricultural Study Tour, a Taiwanese sleeper hit, was shot entirely by coincidence, supposedly with no director and no funding.

Nonetheless, a sequel, Exile on My Taiwanese Farm: Peeling my Taugeh might be filmed next year with some of the original cast.

Best Original Screenplay
Jumper, written by Anwar Ibrahim, wins this year’s award. Although the film suffers from a cast of unknowns, whose number seems to fluctuate from scene to scene (though always at least 31), the script is undeniably original and exciting. It also has the potential for numerous sequels, which will prove profitable for the actors.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Written by a team of in-house screenwriters from the Attorney-General’s Studios, The Accused, starring Anwar Ibrahim, is allegedly adapted from instructions given by political superiors. A remake of the 1998 flop, but with many of the same actors and production team.

Best Actress
Seputeh Member of Parliament Teresa Kok was competing against herself this year with sterling performances in a slew of releases: Election; Woman on Top; Supergirl; and, in cinemas until last Friday, the black comedy Enemy of the State.

She wins the Best Actress Oscar, however, for her most famous role, Miss Congeniality, which has earned her praise from audiences and critics alike.

Best Actor
The big stars of yesteryear dominated the Best Actor category this year.

Nominees include S. Samy Vellu in Gone With The Wind; Dr. Mahathir Mohamed in V for Vendetta; and both Najib Tun Razak and Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in the comedy Trading Places.

The winner, however, of the Malaysian Political Oscar for Best Actor is Abdullah Ahmad Badawi for his flawless, nuanced, masterful performance in Eyes Wide Shut.

Best Picture
The nominees for Best Picture in the Malaysian Political Oscars are all gripping epics.

They include the moving story of the many members of Parti Sosialis Malaysia , The Magnificent Seven; the Khairy Jamaluddin biopic Million Dollar Baby; the Hindraf saga, Out for Justice; and the tale of Gerakan in the Barisan Nasional, The End of the Affair.

The winner for Best Picture, however, is the story of the MCA’s struggle against the Internal Security Act, Look Who’s Talking Now.

Lifetime Achievement Award
For his astonishing film career spanning many decades, and including both commercial hits and small but critically-acclaimed art-house movies, Anwar Ibrahim wins the Lifetime Achievement Award.

His roles, in chronological order, include: Wild at Heart; The Young Guns; The Great Debaters; Sleeping With The Enemy; The Insider; The Sweet Smell of Success; Reversal of Fortune; Cast Away; The Accused; The Cell; Cry Freedom!; Into the Wild; Back to the Future; Mission: Impossible; The Perfect Storm; and, most recently, Eastern Promises.

Depending on the outcome of contract negotiations, Anwar’s next movies may include The King and I; Top Gun; and Great Expectations.

Alternatively, he may take roles in Crash; The Departed; and The Forgotten. That’s the thing about show business – you never know what the big stars will do next!

That’s all for this year’s edition of the Malaysian Political Oscars. See you on the red carpet next year!


 
ROTFLOL.... HAHAHAHHAHA

Brilliantly written! Hellraiser mate, thanks for sharing. Really Good! :top: :top:
 
Received a text message from Grace a second ago. Thought I'd share it here.

Breaking News:

Malaysian Health Authority Warning: All men are adviced not to suck China girls' breasts as the milk may contain melamine.
 
Bix;359232 said:
Received a text message from Grace a second ago. Thought I'd share it here.

Breaking News:

Malaysian Health Authority Warning: All men are adviced not to suck China girls' breasts as the milk may contain melamine.

yeah guys ...dun :lollypop:.... but :36:

otherwise you will end up ........................:puke::puke::puke:

:rofl:
 
New Astronaut

Samy Vellu ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.

Samy: "...Bagi saya, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat.Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergi matahari. Barulah USA, Russia, respect sama kita...."

Penemuramah: Tapi Dato' Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana mau pergi sana?

Samy: Cit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun jadi mintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang, manyak panas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuuuk......
 
Bix;359232 said:
Breaking News:

Malaysian Health Authority Warning: All men are adviced not to suck China girls' breasts as the milk may contain melamine.

Pwahahahahahahahaha............... :21: :rofl: :24:
 
>A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
>although
>very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his
>old buddies.
>
>So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
>
>'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
>
>'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
>
>The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
>
>She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
>of
>beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India
>,
>etc.
>
>The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
>think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
>have
>frozen glasses...' He didn't get to finish the
>sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
>
>'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
>
>She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
>getting chills just holding it.
>
>The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar
>they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
>long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
>
>You want? hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
>dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
>mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
>
>'But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty
>words and all that...'
>
>'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn
>frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you're married now,
>and you aren't fucking going anywhere!? Got it, Asshole?'
>
>........and, they lived happily ever after.
>
 
Subject: Married Too Long

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over
lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night
to surprise their men. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong,
stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night
long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for
hours.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked
at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
 
Impact of Job Change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: 'Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!'.
The passenger apologized and said, 'I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.'

The driver replied, 'Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.
 
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble
getting it up." The doctor examines him
and says, "You'll need to have some work
done to bring back your sex drive. I can
do it in a series of operations that will
take thirty days and cost twelve thousand
dollars, or I can do it in one operation
right away that would cost thirty thousand
dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss
it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the
doctor's office.

The doctor says, "What did you decide?"

He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen.
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jim says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Jim deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jim began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample
from himself for good measure.

Jim hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
 
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA... Ohh Man! Impact Of A Job Change and the last one by Sach is freaking hilarious.
 
A Malaysian named Ah Meng dies and arrives in hell. He finds that there is a different hell for each country and he can choose which hell he wants to go to. He first goes to the Singapore hell. There outside the door is Ah Lian, looking bored. Ah Meng asks, “What do they do here?”
Ah Lian replies, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Singapore devil comes in and whips your butt for the rest of the day.”
“That’s terrible!” gasps Ah Meng. He is terrified! “I’m going to check out the other hells!”, he yells. He checks out the Thailand hell, the Indian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the Singapore hell. You get tortured to death basically!
malaysian-durians.jpg

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and discovers a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circles around the lobby five times before receding off into the horizon. Ah Meng pushes his way through to the head of the line. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?”

He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips your butt for the rest of the day.”
“But… but that’s the same as all the other hells! Why are there so many people waiting to get in?” Ah Meng protests pointing to the long queue.
“True, but because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Gormen servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen for teh-tarik…”
 
There are times and places where it just wouldn’t be appropriate to suffer from horny urges. At work, school, in church, or at the dinner table, you don’t want to suddenly come down with an attack of horniness that could cause you to act in an inappropriate manner. But what can you do when such an urge comes on you?
horny-remover.jpg

Well if you aren’t able to take some special “alone time” with yourself, maybe a new product from Japan can help you out. It is called the Shape Horny Remover, and it has been shown all over the Internet as a fabulous remover of “horny urges.”

But when you look at it, it certainly doesn’t seem like the kind of object that could help in such cases. Probably because it is not actually supposed to stifle horny urges. Instead, it is meant to help rub off the horny protrusions rough skin can create on your hands, arms, elbows, and knees. Unfortunately, when translated into English the label doesn’t really explain the object’s purpose in a way that doesn’t sound a little dirty. Makes you wonder just how many people bought one hoping it would help on those long, lonely nights and only realizing too late that it wasn’t a sex toy, doesn’t it?
 
A family is at the dinner table,
The son asks his father 'dad how many kinds of boobs are there'
The father, surprised, answers
'well son there are three kinds of breasts
In her 20s, a womans breasts are like melons, round and firm
In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still ripe but hanging a bit
After 50, they are like onions'
'onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through three phases
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,flexible but reliable
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes-dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration'
 
Bix;359935 said:
A family is at the dinner table,
The son asks his father 'dad how many kinds of boobs are there'
The father, surprised, answers
'well son there are three kinds of breasts
In her 20s, a womans breasts are like melons, round and firm
In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still ripe but hanging a bit
After 50, they are like onions'
'onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through three phases
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch,flexible but reliable
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes-dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration'


hahaha...good one, bix

keep it up
 
Twisted Toys

This is no proper toy for most common adults, let alone kids. While most may cringe at these horribly disturbing handcrafted soft toys, some actually finds this interesting and make it a collection - like art collection. I have some telling me they are actually adorable! Well, they have their own cuteness. One thing though, I tried looking for their maker online but with no avail. So do share with us if you know who their maker is. Such intriguing handicrafts deserve its recognition, don’t you think so?


cat-with-guts.jpg

Bad day for kitty.

crocodile-bite.jpg

Somehow the blood stain looks fake-ly vivid.
decapitated-head.jpg

The head looks familiar.
sm.jpg

Sadomasochism in a different kind of form. And its pink!
scissors-girl.jpg

The creepy part is not a girl with a big scissors stuck on her chest, its the smile on her face.
shark-legs.jpg

This one doesn’t look so bad. Its all too common especially when you the type who watches National Geographic channel.
unicorn-teddybear.jpg

I think the teddy bear has learn not to mess with an unicorn.
rabbit-carrot.jpg

I don’t mean to be evil but I like this the best. The rabbit looks almost relaxing with that carrot pinning him to the wall.
 
HAHAHAHA.... The head resembles Blair and I'm with you on your favourite - I like the last one as well. The pink S&M is awesome. LOL...
 
Top Bottom