Random Jokes

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Goodness Gracious Me

Remember this series? It was shown on TV a while back.

Clip: Superman is Indian
 
'One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'Why are you crying?'

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the

Lord again appeared and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE 'Is this your wife?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The woodcutter replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to
take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .'

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - 'WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!'
 
Nelson Mandela

Enjoy....

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
 
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ROTFLOL... These are all hilarious. "Superman is Indian" is incredibly funny and the woodcutter - the morale of the story is such bullsit. Hahaha...The wifey joke - I was expecting something else when I was reading it downwards but it's still good. Hahaha...
 
INVESTMENT ADVISE


If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.

With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original$1,000.

With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one yea rago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle
 
Stress Reliever

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

------------ --------- --------- ---
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

------------ --------- --------- ---
Stress Reliever # 3
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

------------ --------- --------- ---
Stress Reliever # 4
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

------------ --------- --------- ---
Stress Reliever # 5
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

------------ --------- --------- ---
Stress Reliever # 6
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

------------ --------- --------- ---
Stress Reliever # 7
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour.
 
Practice what was preached

A husband comes home from church, he greeted his wife and lifted her up.
He carried her around the house, the wife was so surprised and she asked.
"Did the bishop preach about being romantic?"
The husband said, "No, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sixteen Times

A little boy was attending his first wedding when he asked his older cousin,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen."
"How do you know that?"
"I added it up. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."
 
A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.



'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'



'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.'



'Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand....'



'Did he hold your hand like this?'



'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'



'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.'



'Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...'



'Like this?'



'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'



'It's not a Bastard.



It means he wanna stay forever by your side'



'Then he kissed me...'



'Like this?'



'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'



'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard.



it means he adores you.'



'Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...'



'Like this?'



'Yes, Doctor... exactly like that'



'It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.'



'Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... '



'Did you resist?'



'No. I let him do it, coz I love him...'



'Did he take off your clothes like this?'



'Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......'



'He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he



wanna learn about your body completely.'



'Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me...'



.......................



'Did he do it just like what we do?'



'Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same'



'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.'



'But then he told me that he has AIDS'





All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming,'



BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!'
 
""...So tell me how many people are you gonna smile at after you heard this cuz sex is like math.

...u add the bed

..subtract the clothes

...divide the legs

...leave your solution

...and pray you dont multiply""
 
An American war veteran applied for a job in the public service. Below are exerpts of his job interview:

Interviewer: I see you were in the army. Did you go and fight?
War veteran: Yes I did. I was in Special forces.
Interviewer: Wow! That's great! 20 points! Were you injured in battle?
War veteran: Yes I was. I was shot and I lost my testicles.
Interviewer: I'm sorry to hear about that. Congrats! You've got the job.
War veteran: That's great! What are the working hours?
Interviewer: Oh... Our working hours are 8 am to 5 pm, but you'll only need to come at 10 am.
War veteran: 10 am? Why? I thought you said we start work at 8 am?
Interviewer: Oh... That's ok. We spend the first two hours of the day scratching balls. Since you don't have, you can come in at 10 am.
 
A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over
immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her
right inner thigh - very high up. 'Right here,' she says, 'I want
you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali.'

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, 'On this side,
I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on
top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.'

The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that
is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do
you want to do that?

'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always
complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Diwali and
Christmas..!
 
4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital while waiting for their wives birth giving.

Then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy, 'congratulation, you got twins!'.
'Ohh. Maybe it's a coincident' said the daddy. 'I am working with the Petronas Twin Towers '.

Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy,
'Congratulation! You have triplets!'
'Wooow! This is a coincident too' said the second daddy.
'I am working for 3M Corporation'

Another nurse came out and told the third daddy.
'Congratulation! Isteri you dapat kembar empat,'
'Alhamdulillah! Maybe this is also a coincident'. 'I kerja di Four Season Hotel!'

While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrolled worry.
All the 3 daddies asked him,
Why are you seems so worry??'

He answered, 'I am working with Seven-Eleven! '
 
Little Mohamed entered his classroom in France .
What is your name? asked the teacher.
Mohammad.... answered the kid.
Here we are in France , there is no Mohamed. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois, replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohamed returned home.
How was your day, Mohamed? asked his mother.
My name is not Mohamed,I am in France and my name is Jean-Francois.
Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you ...and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohamed returned to school
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
What happened my little Jean-Francois.
Well Miss, just two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arabs!
 
Joke of the day..

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Cheers!!
 
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has..
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in
the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a
thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'


The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing
to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.'



OUCH.....
 
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