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Message: <blockquote data-quote="nevets" data-source="post: 562191" data-attributes="member: 4840">Italian guestDear Signore DirrettoreNow I am tella you a strory how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Roma as tourist to New Yorkand stay as younga christian man at your hotella.When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed.How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?So I calla down to receptione and tella: 'I wanna shit!'They tella me: 'Go to toilet'.I say 'no, no. I wanna shit in my bed.'They say: 'You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!'What is a sonnawabitch?I go down for breackfast into ristorante, I order bacon and eggsand two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast.I tella waitress, and pointa of toast: 'I wanna piss'.She tella me 'go to toilet'.I say: 'No, no. I wanna piss on my plate!'.She then say to me: 'You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch!'What is a sonnawabitch?Later I go for dinner in your ristorante.Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock.I tella waitress: 'I wanna fock!'and she tella me: 'Sure everybody wanna fock!'I tella her: 'no no. You dont understand me. I wanna fock on the table!'She tella me: 'So  you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table?Get your ass outa here!'So I go to receptione  and ask for bill.I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I heve paid the billa, the portier sy to me:'Thank you and peace on you'.I say: 'Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch! I go back to Italy !I never comma saty at your hotella,' your sonnawabitch!SINCERELYBorder problems in ItalyFive Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive atthe Italian border.The Italian Customs agent stops them andsays, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro.""What do you mean it's illegal?" asked theEnglishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official."Quattro is just the name of the automobile,"the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.  "Look atthe papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.""You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italiancustoms agent. "Quattro means four. You havefive people in your car and you are thereforebreaking the law."The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call yoursupervisor over -- I want to speak to someone withmore intelligence!""Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come.He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.Little rabbitA little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upona giraffe rolling a joint.The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this?Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so muchbetter!"The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes offrunning with the rabbit.Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,"Elephant my friend, why do you do this?Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,you'll see, you'll feel so good!"The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tossesthem and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up..."Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts tobeat the shit out of the little rabbit.As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,"Lion, why did you do this?He was merely trying to help us all!"The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around theforest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"Report of the Chinese private detective Chen LeeMOST HONORABLE SIR:YOU LEAVE HOUSEI WATCH HOUSEHE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.I FOLLOW.HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.I CLIMB TREE.I LOOK IN WINDOW.HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.I NOT SEE.NO FEE,CHEN LEE.Cultural DiversityOn a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the followingpeople are stranded:  Two Italian men and one Italian woman  Two French men and one French woman  Two German men and one German woman  Two Greek men and one Greek woman  Two English men and one English woman  Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman  Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman  Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman  Two Irish men and one Irish woman  Two American men and one American womanOne month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in themiddle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in aménage a trois.The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visitsthe German woman.The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman iscleaning and cooking for them.The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to theEnglish woman.The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and startedswimming to another island.The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, andhave gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up adistillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it getssomewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they aresatisfied because the English aren't having any fun.The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the Americanwoman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the truenature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anythingthey can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of householdchores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriendrespected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationshipwith her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring adamn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off thisGodforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she canget her nails done and go shopping.The New European LanguageThe European Commission has just announced an agreement wherebyEnglish will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government concededthat English spelling had some room for improvement and hasaccepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".  In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klearup konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond  year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make wordslike fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikatedchanges are possible. Governments will enkourage the removalof double letters that have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languagis disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z"and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zervil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand etsh oza.Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru .. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.Irish jokeAn Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,her father cursed her."Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not evena line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer oldmum thru? "The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became aprostitute....""Ye what ??? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgraceto this family.""OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious furcoat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate.For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparklingnew Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus amembership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitationfor ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,and....""Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff""Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl, I thought ye said aProtestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug"Morning SexShe was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usualSoft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing onlyThe 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and saidSoftly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreamingOr this is going to be my lucky day!"Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and thenGave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,Her T-shirt still around her neck.Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked:"What was that all about?"She explained: "The egg timer's broken."New Car for 2011Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling  it the "Clitaurus."It comes in pink and the average male car thief wont be able to find it,even if someone tells him where it is.</blockquote>

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